Peeing in the sand
It was such a beautiful January day in Florida. We had just finished a 2-mile walk on the beach talking about things he doesn’t ordinarily speak about. We call them “new topics” in our world. I am so sick and tired of his rote conversations that are really just one-sided dialogue with me there I could run into the gulf and never come back.
Anyway that is probably a topic for another day. So after this perfectly lovely walk we get back to our stuff and I decide to go for a dip. The water is chilly but the most beautiful aqua marine calling to me. I can’t resist. Knowing Dane hates being “oceanic” as he calls it I leave him on the beach. As I gaze back at the shore looking at all the different sized people, I see the stance! My entire body goes stiff and my mind screams FUCK!!!! Fuck! FUCK! Have we made NO progress in 24 years of autistic life on the planet? Dane, just as he did when he was a child is standing there peeing in the sand. I froze in that moment wondering What The Fuck do I do. Do I pretend I didn’t see it? Do I apologize to everyone whose mouths are on the floor staring at this grown ass man standing there, legs spread peeing in his bathing suit?
My heart broke into a million pieces once again. Hating autism, hating my life, hating the isolation, judgment and stares it hammers down on me.
I muster every ounce of strength I have to get out of the water and address the situation with a group of older new England woman glaring at me to see what I will do. And it goes like this.
Dane you now need to go get OCEANIC because you cannot walk around with pee in your shorts and body. That is disgusting! Okay he says. Why did you do it? Those ladies saw you doing that and are looking at you. No they are not he says. We dance this dance for the full 10 minutes I made him soak in the gulf just to feel like I won.
But now we are back to our belongings and the staring ladies and he wont let it go. I head to the parking lot and the shower with him trailing behind me saying they didn’t look at me. At this point I’ve had it with him and tell him to just go as them.
And he does! I am dying on the inside. I want to save him, I want to protect him but More than that I want him to learn how to fucking behave. So I let him go. From my spot on the bench by the showers I saw him walk away into what could be a minefield. I am not totally sure what he asked them but I do know the answers and the body language that came with those answers. He was told it was disgusting and absolutely ridiculous with all the gusto 3 elderly New England ladies could muster. I think I saw shame and embarrassment in my guy for the first time in his life but what I also saw was he honestly didn’t know what to do about it. He had to pee and he was committed to not getting oceanic. My hope for the future is he comes up with a better solution to his predicament.