I don't know why I am so emotional these days. I feel like I’m always crying or about to cry. It’s so stupid!
I look at Dane and I am filled with this love/hate waterfall.
I remember the beginning of this hell so clearly. His first step and his first seizure all in the same week! The hospital stays, the testing, being in ICUs all over the world, psychological testing, spinal taps, OT, PT SLP, EEG tests, tests and more tests. I was all of 24 when the chaos began. I’m proud of myself for making it this far and filled with anger all at the same time. Joy for having a son that has given me purpose but pissed off because it's not the purpose I wanted. Life is funny that way isn't it? Surprises around every corner! Who would have thought I'd be married to the most amazing man and live this life of privilege entwined with all this hardship? I suppose God wanted to keep me from getting bored.
I certainly don't have time for that.
Dane goes to bed running his mouth and wakes up running his mouth. There is never a silent moment with the kid. I keep asking God why didn't I get the kid that plays video games and watches TV for hours on end. NO I have to get the kid that talking 90 miles an hour & is passionate about shopping & finances. Right now I’m writing a letter to Virgin America and Barclay Bank asking them how exactly he was able to apply for a credit card for his 84 yr. old grandmother and rack up a $1700 American Express bill.
I thank God that his grandma has a strong heart because she got the credit card and the $1700 bill all in the same day. And there was Dane with a grin from ear to ear, proud of his accomplishment.
He astounds me everyday with what he is capable of. But I have to admit, I’m overwhelmed with fear about his future.