Today I am choosing to not be ruled by fear.
This seems to be a daily choice for me. It’s really easy to be dragged down by the ‘what ifs’ in my head. What if I have to babysit him for the rest of my life? What if he starts seizing one day and never stops? What if he lives with me forever? What if he never finds a job or a friend or a meaningful life? What if? What if? What if?
Sometimes it’s possible to flip those fears around in my head. What if he moves out? What if the seizures stop? It really is a choice for me to control my daily thoughts of despair, to see him capable and not disabled. To see his life full and not meaningless or empty. And then the real issue hits me; it’s my job as a conduit of God’s plan to help him get there. I sometimes ( okay all the time) also fight being angry THIS IS MY LIFE! I didn’t get to choose my path it was chosen for me! And then I realize - truth be told I never would have chosen anything else. So God has given me something that challenges, educates and inspires me daily. What more could one ask for in a job!
We’re in New Orleans right now and I have chosen to focus this trip on things we would never attempt in Los Angeles. We found a yoga studio and Dane is taking classes and they love him and he loves them! My heart is overflowing today. I get to sit here and write and take it all in while he gets to do something he enjoys in a group setting.
We’re hunting down painting classes and all kinds of other fun stuff. He’s learning to just hang out at the coffee shop and of course is up to his usual shenanigans on the internet. I’m so grateful for being chosen to be this extraordinary kid’s mom. Last week I was trapped in bed with him having seizures and this week we are at yoga. I have to count my blessings everyday and know that God has a plan not only for Dane but also for me.