So … I’m just going to say it … FUCK!
The last few months have proven to be very challenging. Dane continues to fall into all the spaces between “normal” and “totally cognitively impaired”, which leaves me constantly feeling like I’m drowning. I received yet another psychological evaluation that states Dane’s full scale IQ is 56, which equals mental retardation. Reading comprehension is at 1st grade level.
All of this is so conflicting to me because when I woke up yesterday he was checking his brokerage accounts and talking to a commercial realtor about buying a piece of property with his investment account at Charles Schwab.
This report of an IQ of 56 came in the mail right before I walked down to meet Dane at work where I witnessed him successfully waiting on a table of 5. Now I ask, can someone with an IQ of 56 do that?
For now we have given up looking for employment. He must have completed 50 applications and went on 5 interviews with no results other than rejection and lowering his self-esteem. I wake up to him every morning saying I need a job, I want a job. I want to work. The pride he gets from waiting a table and getting a tip because he did a good job is amazing! Yesterday he came home with an $8 tip. He earned it! It was his. And he was proud! That must be the best feeling in the world for him!
I try so hard to direct him but he’s smarter and faster than I am sometimes! I can’t keep up, so this must mean my IQ is 30. His paintings are incredible but he won’t sell them. He grows passion fruit from seeds and he won’t sell them. He says those are just things he does they are not work and he doesn’t see how that could turn a profit. So I’m stuck trying to uncover the way he might see this as income. I haven’t found it yet. My head doesn’t work like his. I had a functional assessment done on Dane yesterday by a psychologist who observed him at work. He said to me, “He’s waiting on that table.” I said “yea kind of.” He says “ NO! He really is!” After his observation we talked for about an hour. He listed all of the things he saw in Dane: desire, determination, likeability, drive, he did the math, he gave change, he works hard, he wants money and understand what it means to earn it and how to invest and save, he is an artist with great talent, he loves good food and knows where it comes from. He says you do realize he is doing better than most young adults we know!? I said yes but maybe if Dane’s IQ was actually 56 life would be easier? He would be sitting staring at walls and I would have government funding coming out my ass. He would be sitting peacefully in a special Ed class being babysat. While I’m off having a business or a life or how about just time to clean my fucking house and have a complete thought without constantly having to have one ear to the ground listening for what ridiculous conversation he may be having with some bank somewhere!
Right now I’m so tired. I can’t see the future and I can’t see if I’m even pointing him in the right direction. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, I just have an overall sadness that this will never end and I will never havae a life of my own. And then just like that Dane says something and smirks at me and I am reminded, this is my life. This is my job. He is and always will be my greatest victory.